Five Times Rangiku Matsumoto Failed to Get Her Captain Drunk
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: Rangiku is determined to get Toshiro drunk, but outwitting her own Captain might be more difficult than she realises...
1. Chapter 1

Rangiku stretched out on the sofa in her Captain's office, discreetly taking sips of the sake she had stashed under the furniture while Toshiro Hitsugaya sat at his desk doing the tenth division paperwork.

"Rangiku."

Hmm. Perhaps he wasn't so easily fooled. Rangiku reasoned that maybe she wasn't being convincing enough in her role of a sleeping person.

The idle Lieutenant let out a small snore, hoping it would be realistic enough to convince Captain Hitsugaya that she was asleep, but she neglected to factor in that she was essentially breathing through a mouthful of sake and abruptly sat up spluttering.

"Yes, Captain?" she asked, turning around and feigning innocence the best she could.

Toshiro raised an eyebrow, looking up from his paperwork. "I just thought I should inform you that I could smell alcohol from across the room."

"Oh, that," Rangiku said breezily, waving her hand in dismissal. "Y-yeah. Would you like some, Captain?"

Toshiro narrowed his eyes and returned to his paperwork. "No, thank you, Rangiku, I have more important things to attend to. So do you, come to mention it."

Rangiku frowned, her Captain's implied order flying straight over her head. "You know, now I think about it, I've never actually seen you drunk, Captain."

"That's because I've never _been_ drunk," Toshiru muttered, not even bothering to look up from the piece of paper he was signing.

Rangiku's eyes widened to the size of saucers and her mouth fell open, before she adopted a catlike grin and rushed over to Toshiro's desk. "What?! You can't be serious! You've never experienced the wonder and joy of inebriation? We must fix this!"

"Absolutely not," Toshiro said quickly, glancing up in annoyance. "What joy could there possibly be in sacrificing one's total control of themselves voluntarily and making a fool of oneself needlessly?"

"Ah," Rangiku said, tapping her nose. "That's something you'll never know until you've experienced it yourself. It's fun, trust me!"

Toshiro took a sip of water from a mug on his desk before turning around and briefly rummaging through a drawer behind him. "I'm sure you won't take it personally if I choose not to," he said coolly, dumping the stack of paper which was already on his desk into a box on the floor.

"Oh, okay then," Rangiku said, waiting until Toshiro's back was turned again before quickly emptying a generous measure of sake into his mug of water. However, before Toshiro turned back around to face his Lieutenant, he paused at the sight of the potted plant Momo had brought him for his birthday, which Rangiku had christened 'Kaori' and eagerly placed on the set of drawers behind his desk.

"Doesn't Kaori look thirsty to you, Rangiku?" he asked innocuously, finally turning back around and smiling slightly at his Lieutenant.

Rangiku stood to attention. "You're absolutely right, Captain Hitsugaya. Why don't I go and get some water for her?"

"No need," Toshiro said, his smile widening and exposing his incisors. "I have some right here which I don't want." With that, Toshiro seized his mug and dumped the contents into Kaori's pot. "Remember, Rangiku, there's a reason why I'm a Captain," he said, the smile never once leaving his face.

"Right you are, Captain," Rangiku said, scowling slightly as she skulked back to her sofa.


	2. Chapter 2

"Rangiku, wouldn't you agree that Kaori isn't smelling too good?"

Rangiku opened her eyes and glanced over the back of the sofa towards her Captain, who was gazing at the wilting African violet.

"Looks fine to me," Rangiku said, yawning.

"Really?" Toshiro said, an eyebrow cocked in amusement. "Because I'd say she looks a bit... drunk."

"Oh, you knew yesterday when you watered her," Rangiku said sulkily. "What's poor Momo going to say if she sees how badly you've been treating Kaori?"

Toshiro returned to his desk. "Well, you know what they say, flowers and frost don't mix well. Momo knows I've got a black thumb, she only gave me the damn plant because I killed another African violet off as a child, and they're supposed to be pretty much unkillable. It greatly amused her."

"Does that mean I'm free to tell her you fed it sake?" Rangiku piped up from the sofa.

Toshiro sighed wearily. "Tell her whatever you like. She'll be surprised it lasted this long."

Rangiku stroked her imaginary beard. "If I can tell Momo whatever I like, can I tell her that the sake you fed it was leftover from your all-night drinking session with me, Izuru and Shuuhei?"

"She wouldn't believe you," Toshiro said.

Rangiku gave Toshiro her best cat smile. "Oh yeah, wanna bet?"

Toshiro frowned. "Not particularly."

"Come on, Captain, you're no fun," Rangiku wheedled.

"Perhaps not, but at least I can get my job done," Toshiro said frostily, glaring across the room at his subordinate.

Rangiku pouted, before quickly turning into a broad grin. "Hey, Captain? I've come up with a new bet."

Toshiro rolled his eyes. "Oh, please do tell me, I'm sure this is something I can't live without hearing."

Rangiku clapped her hands together. "Okay!" she exclaimed happily, jumping up and pacing the room slowly. "I bet you five thousand yen... that I _can't_ get you drunk!"

Sighing heavily, Toshiro withdrew a five thousand yen note from his desk drawer and threw it at an astonished Rangiku who stopped in her tracks. "Here. Now stop bothering me."

"Oh, I see," Rangiku said quietly, holding up the note and staring at it as though it didn't exist.

"Don't spend it all on sake," Toshiro said, turning back to Kaori and poking one of the shrivelled purple flowers.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's notes: Well, that was quick. Three reviews pretty much immediately? Thank you! :D I'm glad you're enjoying this so far. There are to be _six_ chapters (I think you can see where this is going...) and I intend to put them up as quickly as I can - possibly tonight, possibly tomorrow, depending on how quickly it takes Attention Deficit Creator Disorder to set in. :)  
**

* * *

Rangiku spent much of the next afternoon waiting outside Captain Hitsugaya's door, shushing other members of the division walking past who each asked what she was doing, awaiting the sound of keys jangling and the filing cabinet closing as Toshiro finished the day's paperwork.

"Yes, Rangiku?" came Toshiro's voice through the door, startling Rangiku who nearly dropped the item behind her back. "You can come in."

"Good afternoon, Captain Hitsugaya," Rangiku said quickly, opening the door and letting herself in while attempting to hide the item behind her back from him. It was to be a _surprise_, after all.

"Your timing really was brilliant," Toshiro said coldly, withdrawing his keys and closing the box of paperwork. "I've just finished your work."

Rangiku beamed. "Congratulations, Captain!"

Toshiro stared at his subordinate as if she had gone crazy. "I know you were standing outside for a while, but this is just beyond..." he muttered under his breath. Rangiku just ignored him.

"To celebrate the fact that you have finished today's paperwork, how's about we break out the champagne?" Rangiku exclaimed, bringing out the bottle of expensive alcohol she had been hiding behind her back and waving it around.

Toshiro sighed heavily. "I see you took my orders to not spend that five thousand yen on sake to heart..." he said. "Well, Kaori's certainly going to be one pampered pot plant before she inevitably gives up the ghost entirely."

"Well," Rangiku said thoughtfully, "I felt kind of guilty about taking your money so easily..."

"Yeah, right, I could see you mentally debating whether or not I were such a pushover it would be worth asking me for another ten thousand," Toshiro snarked.

"So I thought I'd spend the money on something nice for you!" Rangiku continued cheerfully.

Toshiro raised an eyebrow. "You could at least have spent it on some nice chocolate if that was your intention," he said.

Rangiku cocked her head, mental cogs whirring. "Well, it seems kind of a waste to give this _expensive_ champagne to a pot plant," she mused. "Hey, Captain, if you don't want this, is it all right if I have it?"

"Be my guest," Toshiro said in a resigned tone. "Honestly, I didn't expect that money to have been spent on me anyway."

"It's the thought that counts, right?" Rangiku grinned, neglecting to mention the fact that the thought in question was really a Xanatos gambit which would have resulted in her victory anyway, whether through a free bottle of champagne or finally getting to see her Captain drunk.

"I suppose so," Toshiro said. "Well, I'm glad it looks as though I've at least given you something to think about."

Rangiku smiled. "Oh, you certainly have, Captain Hitsugaya."


	4. Chapter 4

"Caaaaptain!" Rangiku sang, throwing the door open with her hand which wasn't full of carrier bag and seeing that instead of hunching over his desk signing papers, Toshiro was sitting on the sofa she usually occupied, and that Momo Hinamori was chatting to him animatedly.

"Ah, I see you've decided to turn up today, Rangiku," Toshiro said coolly. "Well, better late than never." Momo waved merrily to Rangiku, and Toshiro scowled at his old friend.

Rangiku glanced up in thought. "I do hope I wasn't interrupting anything," she said.

Momo smiled. "Oh, no, Shiro was just telling me about what happened to Kaori," she giggled, earning herself a poke in the ribs from Toshiro.

"That's _Captain Hitsugaya_ to you, Bed-Wetter," he grumbled.

"Oh, so he told you about how Kaori has developed a taste for sake?" Rangiku laughed, as Momo frowned and shook her head and Toshiro rolled his eyes.

"Really? Shiro told me that you didn't water her when it was your turn on the rota," Momo said quietly.

_That devious little brat_, Rangiku thought to herself as Toshiro grinned and pointed towards a sheet of paper stuck to an area of the wall which she was _sure_ had been blank yesterday. _Oh well, I guess I had that one coming._

"Oh yeah, that was it," Rangiku said absent-mindedly, glaring at her sweetly smiling Captain.

"What did you want, Rangiku?" Toshiro said. "You must have had some reason for bursting into my office, seeing as it would clearly be unreasonable to expect you to be here to do your work."

Momo giggled as Rangiku started, remembering the carrier bag still swinging from her own arm. "You see, Captain Hitsugaya," Rangiku said. "I felt bad about the fact that you didn't like the present I bought you the other day."

Momo's eyes widened in curiosity. "You bought Shiro a present, Rangiku? What did you get him?" she asked eagerly.

"The finest champagne in the whole of Soul Society!" Rangiku exclaimed grandly, throwing her arms out to the sky in a regal sort of gesture.

"Yeah, which you bought me with my own money," Toshiro quipped. Both of the girls ignored him.

"And Shiro didn't appreciate it?" Momo asked, glaring at Toshiro.

Rangiku sighed theatrically. "Alas, he did not."

"Only because I don't drink," Toshiro pointed out, receiving a gentle punch in the arm from Momo.

"Silly Shiro. If you didn't appreciate it, the least you could have done would be to accept the champagne graciously anyway."

"Anyway," Rangiku continued loudly. "To make up for presenting Captain Hitsugaya with a present he didn't like, I went out of my way to buy him a nice box of chocolates, which, coincidentally, he explicitly told me he would have preferred to the champagne."

Toshiro's eyebrows disappeared into his hairline, and Momo burst into applause. "You're an absolute saint, Rangiku," she declared admiringly, as Rangiku took a completely unnecessary bow and presented Toshiro with the carrier bag full of (boozy) chocolates.

"I'm not quite sure whether to be irritated that you have somehow made this entirely about what a fantastic person you supposedly are, or astonished that you actually listened to something I said," Toshiro said in wonder, accepting the bag and taking the box out. "Well, thank you for listening, Rangiku."

"You're very welcome, Captain Hitsugaya," Rangiku said happily, ruffling Toshiro's hair.

"Don't do that," the disgruntled Captain said, opening the box. "Well, would either of you like one?"

Momo eagerly accepted, but Rangiku shook her head, smiling. "Oh no, they're all yours, Captain," she said. _You'll need to eat most of them to feel the effect, anyway,_ she thought to herself.

"Mmm, these are delicious!" Momo announced, seizing three. "Try one, Toshiro!" however, before Toshiro could respond, Momo had shoved one into his mouth for him.

Rangiku clapped her hands together. "Well, I'd best be off. Things to do, people to see, you know," she said.

Toshiro swallowed his chocolate. "Well, seeing as you don't mean your work, which you wouldn't do in a million years, you must mean drinking with Izuru Kira and Shuuhei Hisagi?"

Rangiku grinned. "Why would I need to do my work when you have already done it for me, Captain?" she smirked. "Oh yeah, Momo, don't forget to leave some of that chocolate for Captain Hitsugaya, all right?" And with that, she winked, and danced out of the door.

"She's right," Toshiro pondered. "She knew I'd done her work already. I'm becoming too predictable."

"Hey, Shiro, would you like another chocolate?" Momo asked through her own mouthful.

Toshiro looked at Momo fondly. "You know what? Honestly, I didn't like the taste of the one I had that much. I thought there was something a bit funny about it. I've already accepted the present graciously, so why don't you just eat the rest. You seem to be enjoying them," he said kindly, poking Momo's stuffed cheek playfully before wiping a smudge of chocolate off her chin.

"Aww, thanks Shiro," Momo said through a grin after swallowing her chocolate.

"You're welcome, Bed-Wetter," Toshiro teased, half-heartedly driving his elbow into his old friend's side as she burst into giggles.


	5. Chapter 5

**Author's notes: Sorry this was slightly delayed, I got distracted by my birthday last Saturday and then I had family friends over on Sunday and then on Monday I basically killed my finger at work. Typing is painful when an entire finger has gone black, and playing the piano is even harder, but I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough. The swelling will probably go down soon. :)**

**The final chapter shall be posted either within the next two hours or after my shift this evening. Promise. :D**

* * *

"Don't be silly, Captain, I'm not kidnapping you," Rangiku laughed airily, racing on with Toshiro clamped in her arms. "I'm taking you out drinking! Izuru and Shuuhei have already agreed to meet us at the regular bar. This is going to be so much fun!"

"I'll take your word for it. Now put me down, Lieutenant Matsumoto, and let me return to the barracks," Toshiro demanded.

Rangiku slowed for a second. "Wow, Captain Hitsugaya," she said thoughtfully. "You must really be serious. You even addressed me by rank!"

Toshiro scowled, attempting to break free before Rangiku started up her flash-step again. "Of course, Lieutenant. I am a serious person."

"You really need to lighten up, Captain!" Rangiku exclaimed, increasing her pace until the two found themselves outside a dingy-looking pub with a large sign on the door reading 'THE SOZZLED PARROT'.

Toshiro blinked as Rangiku grabbed her Captain's shoulders and propelled him into the poorly-lit, smoke-filled building, ignoring his vehement protests.

"Rangiku, over here!" called a familiar voice, and Toshiro turned toward it to see Izuru and Shuuhei sitting at the bar, the latter waving enthusiastically.

Izuru blinked as Rangiku and Toshiro approached. "So, you actually managed to get him here, Rangiku? Captain Hitsugaya, did she chloroform you?"

Toshiro scowled. "In a manner of speaking."

"But Captain, you said you didn't mind!" Rangiku exclaimed in surprise.

"I believe that what I actually said was 'put me down,'" Toshiro rebutted, glaring at his Lieutenant.

"Oh yeah, that might have been it," Rangiku said thoughtfully, placing her finger on her chin as Toshiro's eyes narrowed.

Shuuhei glanced between Rangiku and Toshiro, eager to prevent either from going Shikai. "So, what are you two going to have to drink?" he asked, calling over the barman.

"I'll have nothing," Toshiro muttered to nobody in particular as Rangiku opened her mouth.

"Ooh, I'll have a large sake, please!" Rangiku said cheerfully to the barman. "My Captain here will have one too."

The barman nodded at Rangiku before glaring at Toshiro in suspicion. "ID."

Toshiro blinked, as Rangiku frowned. "ID? It's okay, he's Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya of Squad 10. He can drink."

"Look, I don't care who he is, I'm not allowed to sell alcohol to kids," the barman said gruffly, as a vein popped on Toshiro's forehead.

"Did you just call me 'kid'?" Toshiro asked, his voice dripping with ice. Rangiku slowly backed away until she was standing behind Shuuhei.

The barman grinned unpleasantly at Toshiro. "Yeah. 'Cause you clearly _are_ one."

"Oh yeah?" Toshiro demanded. "Get me a sake and I'll show you who's a kid!" Rangiku was taken aback, she hadn't anticipated that her plan would go this way, but she was quite pleased that it had.

"No way, you little brat."

On second thoughts, this could be bad. Very very bad.

"Reign over the frosted heavens, Hyourinmaru!"

Izuru and Shuuhei glanced at each other. "Shit."

* * *

"Well, that was... kind of fun?" Rangiku said tentatively as the group found themselves thrown unceremoniously out of what remained of the door, dodging the chunks of ice the barman hurled at their retreating backs.

Izuru looked at the floor pensively. "I must say, it makes a change to actually be walking away from here instead of carried out unconscious by Shuuhei," he said.

"Yeah, I was about to remark on how nice it is to not have to carry you and hold Rangiku up simultaneously," Shuuhei said wistfully. Toshiro would probably have made a remark about how the Lieutenants ought to act more responsibly, but he was too busy seething to say anything.

"Anyway," Rangiku said. "Back to the Tenth division? That way you can drink as much sake as you like, Captain, seeing as you were so eager for some back in the Sozzled Parrot!"

Toshiro withdrew his sheathed Zanpakuto for the second time in as many minutes. "Shut up, Rangiku."


	6. Chapter 6

"Lieutenant Matsumoto reporting for duty, Captain!" Rangiku called, flinging the door to Toshiro's office open.

"Oh, hellooo Rangiku," Toshiro said merrily, wearing a big smile as Rangiku noticed Momo sitting on the sofa next to him, a panicked expression on her face.

"Hello, Captain," Rangiku said slowly, taking a step towards the sofa. "Um, what's going on?"

Momo jumped up and spoke quietly to Rangiku. "This is all my fault, I'm so sorry."

Rangiku cocked her head to the side. "What's all your fault, Momo?"

"Hey, hey, hey, 'Giku," Toshiro giggled from the sofa. Rangiku's eyebrows flew upwards. "Your hair. It's _blonde_," he said, before bursting into laughter as though he had just told the funniest joke ever.

"Captain, are you _drunk_?" Rangiku asked incredulously, sitting down at the other end of the sofa as Momo stood by them looking worried.

Toshiro nodded vigorously. "... Yeeeah."

"Right, Momo, you need to tell me everything. You must be some sort of superhero to achieve this," Rangiku said joyfully as Toshiro tittered at the wall.

Momo wrung her hands together and sat down on the sofa between Rangiku and Toshiro, staring at the floor guiltily. "Well, you remember how Toshiro let me have a few of those chocolates you gave him last week?" Rangiku nodded. "Well, I thought I ought to repay the favour by bringing him a basket of peaches and a watermelon as a gift, but I didn't realise that they were slightly off."

"Nah, they were great," Toshiro slurred. The girls glanced at him.

"You mean Captain Hitsugaya managed to get blind drunk by eating a couple of off peaches and some watermelon?" Rangiku asked conspiratorially.

Momo shook her head. "Think an entire watermelon and half a dozen peaches."

Rangiku's eyes widened to the size of saucers as she eyed her Captain's thin figure. "I didn't realise he could eat that much! Where the heck does he put it?"

"Beats me," Momo whispered, glancing sideways at her tiny friend.

Toshiro peered at the Lieutenants through unfocused eyes. "Do you two have any plans tonight? I was thinking saaaaaake," he said cheerily, rolling over and nearly falling off the sofa.

Rangiku sighed and addressed Momo. "I think that's our cue to put him to bed, let him forget about this whole thing and never let him near any alcohol ever again," she said.

"I can't believe you just said something so responsible," Momo said under her breath. "Would you not rather have him like this all the time and keep the evidence for blackmail?"

"Ah, the thought did cross my mind," Rangiku admitted. "However, if this were Captain Hitsugaya's permanent state of being, who would do the squad's paperwork? I can't think of anything more irritating than somebody not doing their job because they're drunk and passing it off onto somebody else..."

Momo raised an eyebrow. "Isn't some of that paperwork supposed to be yours in the first place, Rangiku?"

Rangiku shrugged. "Well, when I _do_ do my paperwork, Captain Hitsugaya always tells me off for doing it wrong," she said.

"Needs more smiley faces," Toshiro said sleepily.

"See, even when he's drunk he tells me off," Rangiku complained. "Still, his motto is 'if you want something done right, do it yourself', and I just thought, well, who am I to stand in the way of that? He can do the paperwork if he feels so strongly about it."

"Yaaaaaay," Toshiro chorused flatly.

"Well, if you say so," Momo conceded. "Are we going to take him to his quarters?"

Toshiro closed his eyes and lay down on the sofa, kicking Rangiku in the side. "'M fine here," he said quietly.

"Yeah, let's just leave him here," Rangiku said softly. "There's a blanket under the sofa with my sake."

Toshiro sat up suddenly. "I heard the magic word!"

"Calm down, Toshiro," Momo said soothingly, motioning for Rangiku to stand up as she withdrew a blanket and threw it over the Captain.

"Tuck me in!" Toshiro demanded grumpily, and the two girls each took a side of the blanket and tucked it around Toshiro's sides.

"I'll hide the sake," Momo whispered conspiratorially to Rangiku.

"Good idea," Rangiku said, closing the curtains.

Toshiro stirred. "Teddy?"

"I don't believe this," Rangiku giggled.

Momo shook her head. "No, Toshiro, you don't have a teddy. You never have."

"Oh. 'K," Toshiro said, wiggling until he was comfortable. Rangiku and Momo were just about to tiptoe out of the door when Toshiro spoke again. "Hey, Momo mo mo mo."

Momo turned around quietly. "Yes?"

"Thank you for the yummy watermelon. And the peaches. Peachy peachy peachy peachy..."

"Let's go," Rangiku said quietly, leading Momo from the room as Toshiro sang himself to sleep.

* * *

**Author's notes: Yeah, this is what happens when you can't quite get rid of your sleep debt. I'm not entirely sure either. :)**


End file.
